I dislike the feeling that will my chest will implode for lack of oxygen coming into my lungs. My leg nervously goes up and down as I sit on the final plane we will share for a while. We don’t speak about the partings. He barely let’s go of my hand. He knows what that tapping means. Yet, I know that this is a hard day for him too.
We don’t speak about the partings.
But it’s all we think about.
He senses me getting antsy as we wait over 15 minutes for takeaway Thai that was supposed to be fast – my hunger has disappeared by the time I sit on the train to go north out of the city. I’ve had to say goodbye again. My heart feels raw and my body deflated.
It is different this time. This time I know that the next time we will be days from our wedding.
It is always different. The partings: because we are different.
And our story is not the story of others.
But every time it is hard. Every single time.
Every single ever-lovin time.
But there is a beauty from these ashes. We are so torn by these partings because we rejoice so greatly in our reunions.
A wave of tiredness hits me. It weighs heavy on my shoulders and sits on. My chest and stomach. We will miss each other desperately, completely, hopelessly. We will miss each other in all things – everyday I will wish his arms were around me. My heart will almost Be missing beats without him with me.
I want to curl up into a ball. I don’t have tears left. But I want to curl up and hide away, completely and totally, hide. I know I will bury myself in work and planning and packing. Anything to convince myself I don’t miss him with every bit of my heart.
Listening. Observing. Participating. Writing. Photographing. Reflecting.
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Anna Blanch Rabe is an Australian-born writer and photographer. In 2014, she will embark on an epic adventure traveling Overland From Australia to London by train and ferry. You can follow this adventure on Not A Pedestrian Life, or Facebook. More of her photography can be viewed here. For more domestic things take a look at Quotidian Home or her previous website, Goannatree.